Nieratko, O'Connor and me
Tim O'Connor adidas Roast Script
By Rob Brink
If you don't know how a roast works or don't have a sense of humor... don't bother reading any further. I'm sorry in advance if anyone gets butthurt. But hell, it's a roast. What did you expect? Besides, this is skateboarding. Have fun with it while it lasts.
Truthfully though, I admire and respect everyone who I bagged on, and was stoked (and very relieved) at the end of the night when they all shook my hand and laughed about it.
This may not be verbatim, because I added some jokes on the fly while I was waiting to roast, and then some as I was up there speaking... I even took out a whole page while I was up there 'cuz it was just too gnarly and I felt I was going too long. Didn't put it here either. But hopefully I can eventually get access to the unedited version and put the video up here or maybe 411 will put it up on their site.
Hope you like,
> Let's have a round of applause for Dave Carnie's shadow, everyone…
> I apologize for this roast sucking so bad thus far. I am going to attempt to bring it out of the gutter for you…
> I was going to make a joke about Danny Garcia looking like the Geico caveman, but he couldn't make it tonight. He's up north getting fucked in the ass caveman-style instead.
> Sometimes I wonder what its like being a bitter, washed-up, dwarfed pro skater… speaking of Kerry Getz…
> Since he grew a set of labias and isn't gonna roast Tim…
> Why do midgets laugh when they are playing football? Because the grass is tickling their balls.
> I actually dated a midget once. I was nuts over her!
> Kerry's so short he can put a tophat on walk under a snake.
Nick Protopapas & Pancho Moler
> Nick Protopapas & Pancho Moler were two of the ugliest dudes I knew growing up back in Jersey… and still two of the ugliest dudes today…
> If ugliness were bricks, they'd be the Great Wall of China.
> They're so ugly, when they sit in the sand, cats try to bury them.
> They were so ugly at birth that their parents named them "Shit Happens."
> They're so ugly, they have to sneak up on their mirrors.
> They're so ugly, they have to trick or treat by phone.
> They're so ugly, their mother had to get drunk before she breast fed them.
> They're so ugly, they make blind kids cry.
> They're so ugly, when they jerk off their hands try to fall asleep.
> They're so ugly, they get to park in handicapped spaces.
> They're so ugly, when they throw a boomerang it doesn't come back.
> They're so ugly, they can't get a date off the calendar.
> Stefan Janoski's here…his nose was on time but he was fifteen minutes late.
> It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil.
> Actually, it's rad that Stefan was able to made it here, I know he's really busy lately traveling and filming as the spokesperson for the National Osteoporosis Foundation.
Clyde Singleton/Brandon Biebel
> Can someone turn the lights up a bit? I can't see Clyde Singleton.
> Oh, Clyde isn't here? Well I need someone to do my black jokes on. Is Biebel here? Can I do them on you, Biebel?
> Biebel's so black, he bleeds coffee.
> Biebel's so black he makes Flava Flav look tan.
> Biebel's so black, he went to night school and the teacher marked him absent.
> I'm skipping over Reese Forbes, just like I do with all his video parts.
> I can't say anything bad about Omar Salazar. I like the guy. He actually had the only good part in that piece of shit Nike video. He's the dude I skipped over Reese to see.
> So here we are, roasting Tim… I thought you actually had to DO something in your career to get roasted… something other than shitting out of your mouth for and milking your Eastern Exposure 3 part for 12 years.
> Jody… Tim's wife. She's awesome…
> They say eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat on tour in Barcelona.
> Jody's like the wop version of Yoko Ono… ever since Tim married her he doesn't skate with me anymore. Soon all of Habitat will crumble. Oh wait, that already happened when the last video came out.
> Someone recently asked me why Tim didn't leave Quicksilver to go to Analog like the rest of those dudes. I told 'em that Analog only wanted the relevant pros.
> So Tim, I saw your pro model shoe... It sucks. No wonder adidas didn't invite the girl who designed it down here.
> I see you put some words on there. Too bad skateboarders are too stupid to read. Put a few lines of coke on there and that shoe will sell faster than Jody's little sister on a fuckin' street corner…
> I guess when your shoe doesn't sell you can always throw some of that shitty Gonz or Castrucci art on next season's colorways, right?
> And all your talk about quality control? Chill out, you ain't Gino.
> But seriously, Tim's a loving caring guy. He loves himself more than anyone in the world.
> In fact, Tim's so conceited, he calls out his own name while having an orgasm.
> Tim's the awesomest person Tim knows… I've known him for about 17 years now and he's the awesomest person I know too…
Later on, during Pancho's roast, my friend Brandi was getting a little loud in the crowd, so I grabbed a mic and simply stated:
> Brandi I see you're getting a little loud out there, but you've fucked more pros than blank boards...