Robert Brink - Writer

How To Be An Idiot At A Concert Uncensored!

July 3, 2006 | Skip To The Comments (0)

In the wake of my 1 Year Anniversary post, a lot of people seemed to enjoy my 11 Ways to be an Idiot at a Concert piece from way back in June '03. so I figured I would put my original version, before the editors got to it, up. You'll see that in some cases, editors cut stuff out for good reasons. Looking back, not all of these are funny or good, while other stuff might have been funny, but was most likely cut for space. Either way, here ya go.

How To Be An Idiot At A Concert
Rob Brink

1. Dye your hair the day before the show so your forehead and scalp are still stained green the next day.

2. Scream the lyrics, even though bands often change the songs up a bit for the live show, so that you are sure to shout the wrong words at the wrong time.

3. Dress up in clothes that you would never ever have the balls to wear on the street, at your job, or in front of your parents. Put makeup on. Pretend it is Halloween.

4. Wear a “fashion” backpack full of crap that you will never need so that it slams into people as you walk around.

5. Sing all the lyrics throughout the entire show, this way, you don't hear the music, nor do the people around you. Then we'll all realize that we should have paid to see you perform instead.

6. Vomit on someone. Anyone.

7. Hoot, holler, whistle and clap during slow, quiet songs while the rest of us are trying to listen.

8. Mosh and crowd surf during those same slow songs, or the intermission when there isn't even music to mosh to.

9. Shout out requests for songs that you want the band to play. Maybe they will even hire you to arrange their setlist on the next tour.

10. Dance and jump around and flail your arms up in the air while holding your drink so it spills on everyone's head.

11. Be sure to bump into people with your cigarette and burn them or their clothes. Better yet, blow smoke in their face.

12. Once you are up and surfing the crowd, and security pulls you down over the barrier and walks you out, scream and cheer for yourself.

13. Stage dive onto people who aren't looking.

14. If for some reason you do actually make it past security and onto the stage with your favorite rock star, stand behind him or her and pump your fists up in the air while they try to ignore you and wait for security to come beat your ass.

15. When given the privilege to come on stage and sing with the band (as is done at some shows), be sure to get the lyrics wrong in front of the whole audience and the band that you “love” so much.

16. At outdoor venues, kick mud onto the clean people.

17. “Pseudo fight” with all your buddies. Friendly shoving and pretend fighting is frequent amongst jocks and frat monkeys when the testosterone is pumping.

18. Try to be the most “O.G.” fan by screaming requests for old songs or getting extra psyched when songs from the first album are played.

19. When the lead singer asks “How many of you saw us when we were nobodies?” or “How many of you have been with us since the beginning?” Lie, by cheering and putting your fists in the air.

20. Cheer louder than hell when the band plays the first riff of their huge radio hit.

21. Talk on your cell phone in the middle of a show, even though there is no way you will be able to hear anything; it's worth a try. Better yet, do that thing where you call a friend who couldn't make it to the show, hold your phone up in the air and play the song into their ear or voicemail, even though what they hear will just be completely undecipherable noise and static.

22. Treat general admission as if it were a world war, and be sure to hurt as many people as possible.

23. Buy a band T-shirt at the show and put it on over the shirt you were already wearing.

24. Ignore the band altogether and make out with your girl or guy.

25. Try, by any means necessary, to get your band's demo to the lead singer, while her or she is performing.

26. Cry over the band or a song you like.

27. Make signs or banners in attempts to get the band's attention.

28. Hang around the tour busses or the back of the building before and after, hoping to get an autograph or get laid by a band member.

29. Sit in seats that aren't yours so that once the show has started, the ushers have to make you move in order to seat the actual ticket holders, disrupting the whole aisle and surrounding aisles.

30. While sweating profusely with your jersey or wife beater on and your acne filled back and shoulders exposed, rub up against others who are around you.

31. Go to any length to show off your new tattoo that still has the ointment slathered all over it. Go topless, roll up your pant leg, cut the sleeves off your shirt—whatever it takes to show the masses that you are extreme, and a card carrying member of the “tattoo club.”

32. Have conversations with your friends during the band's set. (This is especially popular in Los Angeles) I mean, why bother paying attention to the show? It's far cooler to be able to tell everyone you were at the "hot gig" of the month in the VIP section.