Cops vs. Security Guards
Versus: Cops Vs. Security Guards
By Rob Brink
TransWorld Skateboarding July 2005 / No Comply: Skateboarding Speaks on Authority
As spring is in full swing and summer is quickly approaching, cops nationwide are preparing for what they call a “chronic warm-weather resurgence of illegal skateboarding.” No wonder we feel they and their less-skilled brethren, the security guard, are the bane of our skateboarding existence. Both will rain on our parade at any cost. Both power trip and could most likely find something better to do than bust you. Every once in a blue moon, they might even be cool. But in the end, both are like pit bulls—you never can, and never should, entirely trust them, 'cause they don't give a rat's ass about you and when one might be somewhat cool, chances are he was a prick to the person before or after you, and the next guy to come bust you won't be as cool. The only thing worse than a security guard is a cop. And the only thing worse than a cop is, well, nothing really.
Median Age
SG: 35—the true average among the (even more) shunned (than skateboarders?) GED-wielding, eighteen year olds eager for authority and the (we thought they were retired) 60 year olds looking for an easy minimum-wage gig.
COPS: 35—that perfect post-military, post-the-athletic-dreams-aren't-happening, pre-graduating-to-office/detective age
Bribe Factor
SG: Fifty-fifty shot. Your pocket change is more likely their day's take-home pay—and that's before taxes.
COPS: Probably not a smart idea unless you're in a faraway land where you'll most likely be paying for your freedom as opposed to being able to skate a spot.
Equal Opportunity?
SG: You betcha! Must check more than one of the following: Caucasian, African American, Asian, senior citizen, Trekkie, illegal alien, abnormally skinny, abnormally large, bored, bitter, previous failure, other
COPS: Predominantly white males and white tomboy females.
Out-runnable?
SG: Hell yeah. Out-walkable, out-talkable, beat-uppable (ask Moses Itkonen).
COPS: Yes, but take the approach that skateboarding should take on: at your own risk.
Yep, They Really Said It
SG: “I'll get fired if I get caught taking this bribe on tape!”—Security guard to Jayme Fortune after Jayme tried to slip him a twenty-spot for an extra five minutes. If the cameras weren't rolling, it would've been a different story, though.
COPS: “One of them actually started to skateboard in front of me.”—Sgt. Charles J. Rumsey IV, Waterville Maine Police Department, appalled that someone might think riding around on a piece of wood could be harmless to the community.
It's Really Atrocious That
SG: They'll radio in for the men in real uniforms because you're trespassing, yet the kids playing basketball jumped over the same fence you did and are playing freely.
COPS: Now that we have a place to skate, they're worrying about what we don't do in our own space (e.g., wear helmets).
But Hey, At Least There's One Who's Got Our Back
SG: Mr. Big Black—Dyrdek personal security and deal
er, neck-breaker.
COPS: Boston's very own skateboarding cop, Officer Jeff Zetalotti—he doesn't skate on the job, but if he has to kick you out, he'll let you know his secret spots. (More to come in a future issue.)
Timeless Quotes
SG: “He said he was pissed because he's 80 years old and works for six dollars and 45 cents an hour.”—P.J. Ladd, translation of what the security guard probably didn't say
COPS: “Doesn't it suck when the cops kicking you out of the spot are younger than you are?”—Mike Blabac to Rob Dyrdek
Your Worst Repercussion
SG: Getting kicked out—unless he calls for the boys in blue, in which case
COPS: A ticket ranging into the hundreds of dollars and beyond. The ironic part: The ticket for running a red light in California, a crime that could prove potentially fatal to your life and the lives of many others, is a mere 271 dollars.
Shut The Fuck Up Already
SG: “Do you know Tony Hawk?”
COPS: “I used to skate.”
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