This is the Beetlejuice interview as published in Stance Magazine May 2003. Some lovely soul actually scanned it an put it online. However, I've posted the full, never-before-seen, highly-explicit and unedited version right here, as well as some photos from the night of the interview. Enjoy.
By Rob Brink
Stance Magazine, May 2003
The world isn't ready for Beetlejuice, but he's already arrived. A rare species, Beetle may not even be human. He's small but don't call him a midget. The circumference of his head is a mere 15 inches. His teeth and eyes protrude from his little skull as if you were squeezing it in a vise.
Beetle was introduced to the world via the Howard Stern Show, and has since entertained millions with his antics through his dwarf tossing parties, role in the movie Bubbleboy, and appearances on the Smut Peddlers CDs and in adult films. With the recent release of his new reality DVD, Beetle Uncensored, there is no telling how much of a phenomenon Beetle will become.
Beetle has done a lot in his short span as a superstar. Part of his brilliance is that he's not acting. Beet has made it to the top simply by being himself—and there's a lot to be said for that. He doesn't need to create a façade like so many of today's celebrities do. So be warned: what you are about to read may sound outrageous—it may even shock or offend you. But it is all real.
Rob Brink: Where are you from Beetle?
Beetlejuice: Where do you think I'm from?
No, I'm not from Jersey City. I'm fucking from fuckin' Honolulu with fuckin' pussies all over the fuckin' place. How does that sound motherfucker?
Damn! In Honolulu you get pussy?
God damn right. I'm the fuckin' king. King of the pussy. King of all dwarfs and pussies.
How old are you now?
Me? What you think I got this beard for? I'm an old motherfucker.
I'm not 25. How old do you think I got right now? I'm about hundred years older than you dude.
No, 137 years old. I'm 50 years old man. I'm older than hell. I'm about a hundred years old. I was born in 1962. I'm about a hundred years old right now. I'm not kidding.
How are the Beetle Uncensored sales going?
Sales? 700 bucks.
I have it.
Well, that ain't got nothing to do with it.
Ok. How come you're always naked in the DVD?
Cuz I like eating pussy that's why I like getting naked. I walk around the store naked. I like going to the gas station naked. That's what I do for a living.
You pump gas naked?
That's right. I do it for a living.
When you guys went to sleep on the Beetle Uncensored billboard why did you fall on Sean trying to climb up the ladder?
Billboard? I knocked his [Sean: Beetle's Manager] ass down cuz I felt like it.
Sean: We were going to cuddle up there to keep warm.
Fuck you and your cuddling bullshit.
Why don't you cuddle?
What the fuck you mean cuddle? Fuck him. I don't cuddle. What the fuck I want to cuddle him for? I don't cuddle him. I eat pussy while I cuddle his wife. I fuck his wife instead of him—doesn't make a difference.
How come you didn't win when you ran for senator in New York?
Why'd I win? Cuz I'm a fuckin' taxpayer that's why the fuck I didn't win.
Sean: Hillary [Clinton] cheated.
Hillary cheated on me; she's a bitch. It was in 1962. It was a long day in '62.
What did Hillary Clinton do to you?
Know what Hillary Clinton did to me, know what he called me?
She's a bitch. Know what? She fucked me over—that's what she did.
We was married in '68. A long time ago. '61. We've been married for years. Cuz I've been the fucking king for years. What the fuck?
What about your wife Katiejuice?
Oh you don't want to know about my wife. You don't want to know about that shit. Don't want to talk about that. She came home. She sucked my dog's balls. I came home one day, right? I said Katie, what are you doing licking my dog's balls?
How long did you date Pamela Anderson for?
Pamela Anderson? Well, I was dating her for two years. I've been married to her for 5 years.
Didn't you dump her for J-Lo?
Well, I dumped her cuz she's been fuckin him, so I say ‘yeah, you want to marry the motherfucker go ahead.
Did you have to kick Ben Affleck's ass to get to J-Lo?
When I get to him I'm gonna break his fuckin' neck.
What was it like serving in World War II?
World War II? I've been in the army for fuckin' three years.
You still play basketball for the Lakers?
I used to play for the Lakers. I have a friend who play for the Lakers. Shaq—a ball player.
You were in the movie Bubbleboy?
Yeah, I own that. I'm the one that own that.
You own Bubbleboy? Is that why you and Sean are working on getting you a star on the Walk of Fame?
No, he ain't do it, I own it. I did this whole thing myself.
Just me. I did it on my own.
What do you think of skateboarders?
I don't dig skateboarders. I don't deal with skateboarders. Only thing I think about is pussy. Pussy and girls.
Can you spell pussy?
Wait, can you spell it again?
Sean: What's you favorite thing on a girl? Nice firm…
Nice firm pussy.
Sean: No nice firm…
Nice firm cock.
On a girl?
No I'm serious. I eat firm cock for a living. I take it like a man.
How's Howard Stern doing? He's a good friend of yours right?
Howard Stern is my friend, but I don't want nothing to do with him. It's my money, I do what the fuck I want. He got his money and I got mine.
Could you kick his ass?
Who? Do I want to kick Howard Stern ass? No I'd never do it; he's my best friend. I went to school with him. I do what I had to do. I changed his diapers since I was eight years old.
You changed Stern's diapers?
That's right. Howard Stern has been my friend since I was two years old.
And you guys went to college together?
We went to college together since we was two years old.
Do you know what school?
Yeah, I went to [undecipherable name of school] school for a living. It had pussy.
I went to a pussy school. I was a teacher there for a long time.
Sean: What's your favorite sexual position?
Straight up in the middle. Dwarfy style right in the middle. Either way you wanna go: sideways, backways, any ways. I could flip 'em over backwards, sideways, any way you want. I even did it to his [Sean's] wife.
Why would you fuck your friend's wife?
I did it cuz I wanted to please his wife. That's what I wanted to do. That's what I wanted to do!
What's the future hold for Beetle?
Beetlejuice? Well, the future is the same thing. It don't matter it don't make a difference. Future don't matter but as long as they have pussy to please their wives. I could please their wives.
Ted Newsome (Stance Editor at the time) vs. Beetlejuice
Hey Beetle do you know who Wee Man is from Jackass?
Fuck Jackass. Jackass could blow me. Fuck Jackass, all right pal? Jackass ain't got shit on me alright pal.
Why do you hate Wee Man so much?
Wee Man? Cuz he's a fuckin' midget, I hate his fuckin' ass.
He told me he could kick your ass.
What? Wee man thinks he's so tough, I'm going to knock his ass out in the second grade, what the fuck is he gonna do about it? Huh? I'm a real man. I laugh at midgets that fuck with me. How's that sound pal?
He said he gets way more pussy than you too.
Pussy? I eat more pussy than he ever had in his life. I get more pussy. I eat more pussy. I have sex every day. I eat pussy every day. What the fuck does he got? He ain't got nothing. What do he got? He ain't got shit.
Hey Beetle have you ever met Wee Man before?
Fuck Wee Man. I'll trash his ass. He ain't even got the balls, cuz I'll trash his ass.
Beetle, real quick, say "Check me out in the new Stance magazine."
Tough magazine, I'm the fucking toughest, all right? I'm the toughest guy in the fucking world.
Beetlejuice Vital Stats:
Birth Name: Lester Green.
Birthdate: June 2, 1968.
Birthplace: Jersey City, New Jersey.
Kids: None that he knows of, except for his two twin daughters.
Father: Deceased, "I gave him my liver before he died."
Sister: “I don't' remember how many I have, but its between two and twelve.”
Brothers: “I don't have any brothers, I just have a brother.”
Ran for New York State Senator in 2000 as an Independent. Had a campaign platform that included the following:
"Abortion makes me horny."
"Everyone should go to school for 44 years."
"Everyone gets $1,000,000 from the government and pays $22 a year in taxes."
College: graduated in 1968 (yes, the same year he was born) from "Pearl Harvard."
One talking parrot, that says the following phrases:
"I want to fuck you in the ass."